2 posts tagged “self-esteem”

    I weird.  I don't mean I'm weird like I shaved my eyebrows off though.  I feel weird.  I'm in a really bad mood then I'm fine and I just float around.  I listen to Joni Mitchell and Neil Young and Ralph Mctell and Patty Griffin and I just cry.

    I'm not sure what I'm crying about half the time.  But I heave and cry and before I know it my cheeks are wet and my face bright red.

    That kind of weird.

    For instance, it's 5:48 and I am in my pajamas.  My dad says that it's just today, the overcast skies and the humidity but I feel all clogged in the head and gorged in my organs.

    Want to know what's sad?  The Saturday after Danielle died I was taking a shower and listening to music and City Of New Orleans came on.  I don't know why but this somehow prompted my to cry like I was five, with trembling lips and fast, hyper ventilating breaths.  And now I can't listen to that song without thinking about Danielle, though I don't think she even knew the song.

    I'm just a loser.  That's how I feel.  Just another fuckin' idiot.  I don't whats happened to my smidgeon of self-esteem but it's gone and I'm left lying here all empty.

    I need to write.  I need to read.  I need to be smart.  But I don't think I'm kidding anyone anymore.

  In Literary Media yesterday we read people's novella's and I'm sorry, but so many of them are just so, plot driven.  It's not about the plot it's about the character, that's what makes a book good.  But I don't want to insult them.  It's hard because no matter what anyone says you take criticism badly, at least that's my opinion.  You want people to like what you do.  I know that I do. 

  I take criticism awfully, no matter how hard I try.  One time I auditioned two pieces for the reading and no one really liked them.  The second time I read something people were talking about how they were afraid people would fall asleep to it.  That day my mom was picking me up and I just went into the car and cried because nobody liked my writing.  Then I auditioned a third piece, and everyone liked it.

  My self-esteem I often feel, is in other people's hands.

  Which is an horrible thing you can't like everybody and everybody's not going to like you.  It's part of human nature, all you can try and do is be nice to everyone.

My Dad said the title by the way.